Today was immensely painful for me to live through the day. I guess I've been totally alone too long since my friends went back to Malaysia. Being alone means freedom, and it's nice. But sometimes, it's just plain scary. I'm scared of myself, sometimes, when I'm alone. Today was that kind of a day. Weird, bizarre thoughts just kept flowing into my mind, what-ifs and what not. Those thoughts ALWAYS evolve around love and romance and finding The One.
I started thinking about my first boyfriend (?), or perhaps the only one I would ever have in my loveless life. I started thinking about how I'm the only one among my friends who hasn't found someone worth loving and staying with. My first boyfriend doesn't really count as my boyfriend at all, if I think about it. We've never kissed or even been on a date (thank God for that, though. Not worth wasting my first kiss on a jerk). Yes, I've never kissed someone before, and I'm already 20 this year. But that's not the point. The main point is that I've never really fell in love with anyone! Crushes, yes, but they never get to last more than 3 months. Sometimes I found myself forcing myself to fall in love with someone, just to be in love and feel the love. Pitiful, really.
I know I'm still not mature and not capable of loving someone's inside and not outside. Well, I wanted a perfect man with both loveable inside and outside (duh! all girls want that kinda man). But I know perfectly well he's not EVER going to appear before me. Because he doesn't even EXIST. Even if he does exist, he would be absolutely out of his mind to like me at all, let alone falling in love with me. I'm not pretty. Not gonna say I'm ugly, because that would've been too demotivating for my fragile self-esteem. But I'll admit I'm not pretty in anyway. Or cute, for that matter.
Let's see...Flat, big nose; acne-prone skin; small, unattractive eyes; fat, round face; no cheekbones; short stature; no boobs; not skinny; no curves to my body at all; tomboyish and not elegant at all; doesn't like to be protected because that would make me feel useless and helpless...Now, who would ever want to date a girl like me? All men look at a woman's body first, then her face, THEN her personality. Personality always come in last. It's sort of like a bonus to a hot body and a beautiful face. I understand where they're coming from, though. It's not like I'll set my eyes on someone utterly unappealing, outrageously average, like me. I am, and will always be, the "oh-I'm-bored-let's-date-her-and-kill-some-time" girl. That's what happened to my first so-called love.
I can't help but be jealous and envy of those who love someone and have that someone love them back. Me? I'm shallow and picky with guys, and guys just aren't attracted to me. Yep. My future is bright.
But, to tell the truth, I think I might have lost faith in guys. As if I don't trust them anymore. I can be friends with them, not a problem at all. But lovers? I don't know. Maybe, just maybe (not too sure myself), that this distrust has a tiny-bit to do with my first love. I mean, I thought I was loved, but in the end, he was just toying with me to kill time. That really hurt, when he's the first one that ever make me feel the butterflies in my stomach, make me feel embarassed to even look at him when we first talked, make me flushed like a tomato, and make my heart thumping so loudly whenever I was with him. It hurt. But I didn't cry even once, because I know he's not worth it.
And perhaps it's this kind of perception of mine that made me so repulsive against Twilight. I mean, Edward and Bella loves each other to death. But that never happens in real life. Most mangas use that kind of romance, too, but some of them have other elements (actions, mysteries, adventures, etc) that can make me disregard that kind of ridiculous romance plot. Funny, though. Because the novels I'm working on all have this kind of unrealistic love. Perhaps deep inside, I want to believe it exists.
I hate this me. Thinks too much of unnecessary things. I want to go back to my usual I-could-careless-about-everything-including-love self. Keep dwelling on my imperfections and my miserable love life is gonna hit my self-esteem with a fatal blow. I'm already unconfident enough, I don't need to hate myself, now.
I started thinking about my first boyfriend (?), or perhaps the only one I would ever have in my loveless life. I started thinking about how I'm the only one among my friends who hasn't found someone worth loving and staying with. My first boyfriend doesn't really count as my boyfriend at all, if I think about it. We've never kissed or even been on a date (thank God for that, though. Not worth wasting my first kiss on a jerk). Yes, I've never kissed someone before, and I'm already 20 this year. But that's not the point. The main point is that I've never really fell in love with anyone! Crushes, yes, but they never get to last more than 3 months. Sometimes I found myself forcing myself to fall in love with someone, just to be in love and feel the love. Pitiful, really.
I know I'm still not mature and not capable of loving someone's inside and not outside. Well, I wanted a perfect man with both loveable inside and outside (duh! all girls want that kinda man). But I know perfectly well he's not EVER going to appear before me. Because he doesn't even EXIST. Even if he does exist, he would be absolutely out of his mind to like me at all, let alone falling in love with me. I'm not pretty. Not gonna say I'm ugly, because that would've been too demotivating for my fragile self-esteem. But I'll admit I'm not pretty in anyway. Or cute, for that matter.
Let's see...Flat, big nose; acne-prone skin; small, unattractive eyes; fat, round face; no cheekbones; short stature; no boobs; not skinny; no curves to my body at all; tomboyish and not elegant at all; doesn't like to be protected because that would make me feel useless and helpless...Now, who would ever want to date a girl like me? All men look at a woman's body first, then her face, THEN her personality. Personality always come in last. It's sort of like a bonus to a hot body and a beautiful face. I understand where they're coming from, though. It's not like I'll set my eyes on someone utterly unappealing, outrageously average, like me. I am, and will always be, the "oh-I'm-bored-let's-date-her-and-kill-some-time" girl. That's what happened to my first so-called love.
I can't help but be jealous and envy of those who love someone and have that someone love them back. Me? I'm shallow and picky with guys, and guys just aren't attracted to me. Yep. My future is bright.
But, to tell the truth, I think I might have lost faith in guys. As if I don't trust them anymore. I can be friends with them, not a problem at all. But lovers? I don't know. Maybe, just maybe (not too sure myself), that this distrust has a tiny-bit to do with my first love. I mean, I thought I was loved, but in the end, he was just toying with me to kill time. That really hurt, when he's the first one that ever make me feel the butterflies in my stomach, make me feel embarassed to even look at him when we first talked, make me flushed like a tomato, and make my heart thumping so loudly whenever I was with him. It hurt. But I didn't cry even once, because I know he's not worth it.
And perhaps it's this kind of perception of mine that made me so repulsive against Twilight. I mean, Edward and Bella loves each other to death. But that never happens in real life. Most mangas use that kind of romance, too, but some of them have other elements (actions, mysteries, adventures, etc) that can make me disregard that kind of ridiculous romance plot. Funny, though. Because the novels I'm working on all have this kind of unrealistic love. Perhaps deep inside, I want to believe it exists.
I hate this me. Thinks too much of unnecessary things. I want to go back to my usual I-could-careless-about-everything-including-love self. Keep dwelling on my imperfections and my miserable love life is gonna hit my self-esteem with a fatal blow. I'm already unconfident enough, I don't need to hate myself, now.
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