Usque ad mortem

My bleeding heart,
belonged only to you,
and you alone,
my Prince...

I had known,
that I belonged to you,
and you to me,
the moment you let me see
into the mirror of your gentleness.

My love for you,
gave me the courage to follow you,
to Heaven and Hell;
My love for you,
gave me the power to Perish
in your hands.

You, who had loved me,
who were willing to put me
into my eternal crimson sleep,
and entrapped me in your lovely glass bed;
This time,
will you love me enough
to sleep in my crimson bed in place of me,
and set me free,
and let me escape my eternal darkness?

My bleeding heart,
belongs only to you,
and you alone,
my sleeping Prince.

Till death do us part...

This poem is inspired by a short OVA series by Aniplex, called Le Portrait de Petit Cossette, aka コゼットの肖像 (Kozetto no Shouzou).

It has a very fresh, interesting (and creepy/twisted) plot. Basically, a beautiful girl fell in love with an artist in the 18th century and ironically, she was killed by him, and her spirit is trapped in a glass. The glass, after 3 centuries, is now kept in an antique store, where a college boy works as a part-timer. The boy is the only one who can see the girl trapped in the glass and he eventually fell in love with her. Twisted as it is, the boy is actually the reincarnation of the artist who murdered the girl. And to make it even more twisted, the only way for the girl to escape from the glass is to have a man who would love her enough to atone for the sins the artist had committed upon her (in short, murdering her). The boy, of course, is willing to do so for her. I haven't watched the last episode yet, so I'm not sure if he did sacrificed himself for her freedom in the end.

After reading the summary, I guess you (anyone who is reading this) would be able to (more or less) make out the meaning of the poem. I've also added some elements from Kaori Yuki's mangas and JJ Lin's song --- the Killa. So, 1) No, the "glass bed" in the poem is not the glass the girl is trapped in; 2) No, the artist back in 18th century did not love the girl (I think XD).

The title of this post is the title of this poem --- Usque ad mortem. "Till death..." in Latin, literally. Figuratively, it means "Till death do us part". I used Latin because Latin is often used as the language of the dead in stories and stuff, and it sounded cool?? LOL

I had fun writing this one, because it depicted such a twisted love (I mean, the girl still loves the artist, but also hates him enough to want to bring his reincarnation to death; and the "prince" in the poem had loved the girl enough to bring her to her "eternal sleep" and encased her in her "glass bed"). Nyahahaha~ I am so twisted XD

Death...

Death,
has the eyes of the deepest darkness,
the hair of the silkiest silver,
the skin of the whitest snow,
in a dress of the most somber black;

But it shan't be fear'd,
or be an object of hatred,
For Death, is never the Evil;
It is a Beauty, a gift
from the Lord...

What is Heaven,
when there isn't Hell;
What is Life,
when there isn't Death?

This is a poem I wrote quite some time ago, for a drawing of a Gothic girl. I posted it on this blog before, but for the sake of this post, I'll post it again. So here it is~

Basically, the girl represents Death. The first stanza is the description of the girl in this drawing.

It's not some super great poem like the ones written by Edgar Allan Poe. I'm no where near his level, and I'll never be. But it's my first attempt to write a poem since the last time I wrote for a high school assignment.

Hope it doesn't sound too cheesy XD

Twisted~

An idea descended upon me last night when I was lying on my bed, eyes half closing and was about to fall asleep. It suddenly came to me in a flash.

I have this superb urge to start a story based on this idea. But when I think about it, I still have 4 novels on hand, unfinished!! (><)

Okay, now you might be thinking "Stop the blabbering. So what the hell was on your mind?!!!"

Well, it's simple --- the victim falls in love with the perpetrator. To be more specific, what if a girl is to be stalked by a disturbed man, haunting her in every imaginable creepy way, but in the end, she falls in love with the man who loves her more than anything else, the man who is none other than the stalker himself??

I've always have a thing for forbidden love or twisted love. The more twisted it is, the better. Something like the relationship between the Phantom and Christine in the Phantom of the Opera film (the relationship is a little different in the novel); or something like "you fall in love with a beautiful, perfect Prince Charming, and even though he's twisted/bitter/psycho and you're afraid of him, you still couldn't help but love him". Perhaps such fetish is a reflection of the part of me (unbeknownst to others) that is so very much in love with Gothic arts --- architecture, arts, novels, poems, songs, fashion, etc.

Gerard Butler as the Phantom; Emmy Rossum as Christine Daae

I couldn't recall any stalker-related stories that ends with the stalked victim falling in love with the stalker. Well, not that I know. I'll admit that I don't really read much.

That night, when the idea came to me, I was happy but at the same time, frustrated. I'm not a good writer and I always have the habit to not finish what I've started. But new ideas just wouldn't stop coming to me!! Every now and then I'll get this new idea, and when I was about to start doing something about it, I often found myself losing the desire to complete it. I really want to finish an idea for once!! I've decided to at least finish my favourite work out of the 4 novels that I'm working on --- Blood Moon. I really like the story.

The other three novels...well, I wanted to finish them, too, but I know I couldn't. I wouldn't have the time. I know I'm being too greedy to work on so many stories all at once. I've been thinking of abandoning one of the two Chinese stories in the four because the more I think about it, the more I'm dissatisfied with the plot and the characters development.

The other Chinese story, though, I really love the plot, too, just that I NEVER read story books in Chinese, so I don't have many words in my vocab vault (and I've already forgotten most of the Chinese vocabs I learned during high school). Therefore, I'm thinking of converting it into a manga, since 1) I've always wanted to start my own manga; 2) the story fits for a manga; 3) I've designed the characters and their weapons and clothes and all that, so...why not?

Anyhow, that's all for this post. I really just wanted to tell somebody about this crazy, sick, twisted idea of a romance. (Well, who in the right mind would fall in love with a psychotic man who's been stalking you?) Ciao~

Lump-sum update

Oookayyy~ I haven't been posting much nowadays. I'm just not that kind of person that would update blogs regularly. すみません～

I'm having exams starting this Thursday so I won't be drawing/blogging/writing for awhile. TT.TT

Anyways, I'm gonna post up my recent work. So, have a look and tell me what you think ^^

I haven't been designing clothes in such a long time!! Well, I haven't been designing normal-daily-life clothes to be exact. The characters I drew were always wearing fantastical clothing. Not so much as fashion designing. In the fashion world, those fantastical clothing I drew are considered costumy. And I don't want that. I have to think like a fashion designer while I'm designing, not floating off to my manga fantasy. Well, I can still add some fastastical elements in my designing as my personal touch. After all, you have to be different and unique to stand out in the fashion industry. =]

By the way, these clothes are based off 17th century's men and women's fashion.

Right, so after all my blabbering, here's the coloured version. I love how the military jackets turned out!! The navy sleeveless jacket is based on 17th century military men's jacket, while the red jacket is based on 17th century women's riding habit (as some of you may know, the riding habit is also based on men's military/everyday clothing at that time).

And the creamy-blue lace dress, well...I wanted it to be 17th-centurish but I thought it looks like some Roman goddess dress 0.o And the girl has golden blond hair, which makes it even more so~ Her shoes, however, I like it XD It's also based on 17th/18th century women's shoes. Back then, women loved their shoes to be decorated with jewelries, flowery patterns, etc (IMO). Sometimes their shoes looked more like some treasure from a hidden treasure chest instead of walking shoes! To put it simply, they chose fashion over comfort, as are the girls in 21th century. (Looking at their shoes, I wonder how they even managed to walk!)

In this picture, I added some flowery effects on it with photoshop. I don't know why but as days gone by, I like to stuff up my drawings with lots of small details/effects/etc more and more! And I like to draw my characters in a kind of gothic way. I guess I am pretty much influenced by CLAMP (small details) and Yuki Kaori (gothic drawing style).

Understood what I mean now? LOL The characters just somehow emits the gothic aura. And realise how I've never drawn those typical shoujo cutesy/crybaby/innocent girls before? One of the reason is, of course, Yuki Kaori (her girls always have this "cool" feeling about them), the other reason is that I seriously hate that kind of girls. Too whimpy and useless. I cannot take people like that even in real life. So I'm very much put off by people like that. TOO dependent and clingy. Always waiting for their prince/knight in shining armor to save them. Too much of a damsel in distress. (No offense. If I'm being to rude/harsh, I'm really sorry. It's just who I am.)

I coloured the drawing with colour pencils. I'm not good with digital colouring AND water colour, so...Hehe~

This picture is just my random sketches. Well, not entirely random. I'm planning on starting a new novel/manga/haven't-decided-yet so I drew some characters. But the thing is, I don't know which one to choose as the main character!! So if any of you are reading this, can you help me choose a guy and a girl from the selections? I would really appreciate it if you let me know about your opinion.

Anyway, my personal favourite guy is the guy with slightly combed short hair (the first guy on the right, without the ponytail). And although I like the girl with long curly hair in the center, I actually wanted to have my female lead a strong/mature, soft but sort of kick ass appearance. Like the one on the left with wavy shoulder-length hair. LOL I'm too specific, ain't I? Well, it's because I wanted to set my characters in university-age (I don't wanna do another teenage storyline ><).

So, that's about it. See ya guys after my finals! *Peace*

I don't know anymore...

It's not the first time I felt this way --- being left out of everyone's life, aren't able to get close to new friends, nobody just give a damn about me. I might have read too much into things, I admit doing that sometimes, but this feeling has been inside me for a long time and I'm about to reach my limit. People would think that not telling details or moments about their lives to others is fine, but I'm the kind of person that likes to be part of someone's life. I want to have friends that would share their experience with me --- sadness, happiness or the secret crush they have on someone. I understand people want to keep some things private (I understand that perfectly well). But I'm always the last to know things, even about my family and friends. It makes me feel like I don't belong in their lives. And to make things worse, I get the feeling that my old friends are drifting away from me. I know I'm about to lose some of them already. I can see the signs. I hated myself for being so clingy to my friends because in the end, I'm the one who's gonna be left alone.

And what I'm doing now with my future doesn't make me feel any better. I thought I could continue in fulfilling my parents expectation of me becoming an accountant without any hesitation. But recently, I'm not so sure anymore. I hate accounting more and more everyday. In fact, I don't like studying at all. I'm not saying it as in an elemantary school kid saying she doesn't want to go to school because she doesn't like mathematics or whatever; I'm saying this because I know I'm not of bookworm-quality. I don't like having to do things that I don't like and I have to be good at it and force myself to like it. Everyday, I would dream of dropping out of my course now and go to a fashion design or art school, where I can fulfill MY dreams. This desire become harder to suppress day after day. But when ever I tell the people around me about it, they'll unanimously tell me "Don't think too much. Just stick to whatever that's safe. Fashion design is not useful at all." IT'S MY LIFE!! SO WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I TAKE CONTROL OVER IT???

I hate being kept in a cage! Yes, I know there's a possibility that I won't survive in the fashion industry, with so many talented designers out there; but if I don't even try to go for my dreams, I'll regret about it my whole life!

At this exact moment, I really just want to pack up and leave everything behind, and start over. I always tell my friends that I really want to try backpacking around Europe. They may think I was only saying that because I like Europe or that I like to travel; NO. I'm being serious. I wanna get away from everything. I wanna be free from confinement and be a nomad, and hopefully find my place. I'm sick of being a nobody to everyone.