I don't know anymore...

It's not the first time I felt this way --- being left out of everyone's life, aren't able to get close to new friends, nobody just give a damn about me. I might have read too much into things, I admit doing that sometimes, but this feeling has been inside me for a long time and I'm about to reach my limit. People would think that not telling details or moments about their lives to others is fine, but I'm the kind of person that likes to be part of someone's life. I want to have friends that would share their experience with me --- sadness, happiness or the secret crush they have on someone. I understand people want to keep some things private (I understand that perfectly well). But I'm always the last to know things, even about my family and friends. It makes me feel like I don't belong in their lives. And to make things worse, I get the feeling that my old friends are drifting away from me. I know I'm about to lose some of them already. I can see the signs. I hated myself for being so clingy to my friends because in the end, I'm the one who's gonna be left alone.

And what I'm doing now with my future doesn't make me feel any better. I thought I could continue in fulfilling my parents expectation of me becoming an accountant without any hesitation. But recently, I'm not so sure anymore. I hate accounting more and more everyday. In fact, I don't like studying at all. I'm not saying it as in an elemantary school kid saying she doesn't want to go to school because she doesn't like mathematics or whatever; I'm saying this because I know I'm not of bookworm-quality. I don't like having to do things that I don't like and I have to be good at it and force myself to like it. Everyday, I would dream of dropping out of my course now and go to a fashion design or art school, where I can fulfill MY dreams. This desire become harder to suppress day after day. But when ever I tell the people around me about it, they'll unanimously tell me "Don't think too much. Just stick to whatever that's safe. Fashion design is not useful at all." IT'S MY LIFE!! SO WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I TAKE CONTROL OVER IT???

I hate being kept in a cage! Yes, I know there's a possibility that I won't survive in the fashion industry, with so many talented designers out there; but if I don't even try to go for my dreams, I'll regret about it my whole life!

At this exact moment, I really just want to pack up and leave everything behind, and start over. I always tell my friends that I really want to try backpacking around Europe. They may think I was only saying that because I like Europe or that I like to travel; NO. I'm being serious. I wanna get away from everything. I wanna be free from confinement and be a nomad, and hopefully find my place. I'm sick of being a nobody to everyone.

Life after leaving behind my dear friends...

After arriving in Melbourne, I had to help my sister to move things to her new place, which is only a few blocks away from the old place. My parents and I were staying at the new place for the last week while my sister and her fiance stayed at the old place until last saturday.

We went to china town on the first day of Chinese New Year. This would be the second time I celebrated CNY in Melbourne, away from my friends. There were more than six shops having lion dances in front of their shop. Everyone stopped to watch and take pictures, and actually caused traffic jams! The people flooded the entire china town and the streets near it until trams had to stop halfway because some people (mostly people from China) crossed the streets without bothering about the vehicles AT ALL! And the firecrackers...Man! We had to shout to each other when we talked. Imagine all the shops with chinese owners burned firecrackers at the same time. I could hear them 3 blocks away! After all the amazement and hassle, the streets were full of residues from the firecrackers...small strips of red paper and the smell of sulphur filled up the streets. But...even though I missed my friends and disappointed for not being able to hang out with them, it made it all worth while. It wasn't a bad CNY for me.

We went to a temple around our place afterwards. GODSSS!! I was practically scratching out my hair when I saw the temple/joss house. It was a 300-year-old mansion!!!!!!! And it was a beautiful mansion to top it off. It looked like the mansion in Walt Disney's Haunted Mansion, with the high iron gate and fences, tainted glass windows, spiral staircase and fireplaces. It was built exactly in 1800. Gah! What a waste! They even used the fireplace to burn those chinese papers (I don't know what the hell they are called. Chinese normally burned those papers in temples after putting on the josses and red candles).

And then, on 21 Feb, I went on a trip with my family and my sister's fiance to an 1870s mansion. It was absolutely beautiful! The only setback was it wasn't big enough (for me, that is) and I wasn't able stay in the mansion for a night...T.T I heard the land used to be 13,000 acres! But it was being cut down to over 1000 acres. Took lots of pictures of the building and the decorations, especially the carvings, windows and chandeliers. The chandeliers were gorgeous and the carvings in the whole mansion are pure gold! Jesus...

On 22 Feb, that was the first day of the orientation. The programs were boring but I met really interesting friends! That made my day...I met a postgraduate student from China, 2 first year students from China (too), an American girl who plays the flute (OMG! I absolutely admire her! I've always admire people who can play the flute. It gives out a really beautiful and elegant melody. If I have the time after learning both the violin and piano, I might consider learning it XD), and 2 first year students from Japan! I was so damn happy to get to meet Japanese! They're Yoshida Maki and Komoto Ryota (I think that's his name. Maki is a really cute girl! And Ryota looks like the chinese movie star "Chen Kun" -- handsome! XD Well he's not the only guy that I thought is handsome. There was also a guy I met during enrolment, with sunny blond hair and dreamy blue eyes. Huhhh~ He's like a prince charming walking straight out from a fairytale XD)

And for 23 Feb (that's today), I met a 2nd year student during my course briefing. Not really sure where he came from. All I know is that he's a chinese that only speak english and can't speak chinese at all and he's not from Malaysia, which I find it strange since he's english is kinda *ahem*. LOL~ He's really nice and friendly, though. And then I went for a library briefing which surprised me with the activities they had for us. We had a mini amazing race in the library! I was in a team with 3 Indonesian postgraduates and another chinese girl. And guess what...I was the team leader (unwillingly). We actually won the 1st prize and got ourselves a Monash thumbdrive, a Monash pen and *loud dramatic music* a small box of Guylian chocolate each!!!! It was the best library briefing I'd ever gone to (and I was dead tired afterwards).

Before I went home, I walked around the lemon scented lawn (yes, the lawn really smells like thousands of lemons) where the O-week carnival is, and signed up for the clubs. I signed up for the Malaysian union (duh~), Anime club (again, duh~ people who are close to me should expect that XD), Japanese club and the CHOIR!!!! I get to sing!! Oh, I've also signed up for a show choir (from another music club. Clayton has more than 4 clubs for music), something like the TV show "Glee". It isn't confirm yet as the club is waiting for as many people as possible to sign up in order to REALLY have the show choir. I actually planned to join the Kendo club, too. But the monthly fees is AUD50 and I have to buy the bamboo sword which cost another AUD35. What's more, they practice from 6-8pm. That's too late for me. If I go for the practice, I can only be home on 9 something. Will be dead tired and I still have classes the next day! And the money I have spend...I thought it's better for me to save the money and pay for my violin lessons instead (if I can get a teacher at all). I like kendo, but I think it will have to wait until I graduate (when I get a job and can pay for the fees with my own money).

Tonight, I would most probably have an amazing night. We are going to play mahjong!!!! Haha...I'm super excited and looking forward to it. =]

I'll miss you guys...

January 30th, I was out from 1 pm till 11 pm. It was an outing with my high school friends to Sunway Pyramid as my farewell. We sang in Red Box for 5 hours and had dinner at Che Go. Took lots of pictures, and my buddies bought me some things from Body Shop, including a Cherry Blossom perfume (ahh~ I love it! Pardon my selfishness peeps, I know I shouldn't choose something expensive as my present). Even though I was the "star" of the day, there were another two people who were in the spotlight -- Brian and Pamela. LOL~ The sweet, lovey-dovey couple sang Jolin and David Tao's love song while cuddling on the couch.

And I got to express my recent fanaticism for Bleach!! I'd been talking about it for almost an hour with my BFF. I'm lucky to have friends that grew up and have the same interests as me. Oh! And they gave a card with all of their names and things they wanted to say to me on it. Frankly, I was so touched. I didn't cry and didn't seem one bit surprise or anything in front of them. But I wanted to tell my peeps, I had read it for millions of times, with a smile on my face. I promise I'll bring it with me when I go over Melbourne.

After this outing, I realised that I will miss my high school buddies very, very, VERY much! Man, don't make me feel like this...I'm scared that I'll be unable to leave you guys. I hope our friendship last forever and ever. I'll be sure to come back as often as I can to see you guys. And please, go on MSN more often so I can chat with you guys.

Thanks, everyone. Chin Yee, Pui Mun, Fui Teng, Hoe Keat, Wai Hoe, Hui Xin, Huei Min, Tien Yew, Yong Shen, Khai Wei, Pik Khei and Jeffrey. I love you guys!! (I can't believe I just said that. That was so not me XD)

The girls~ (from left to right) Huei Min, Khai Wei, Chin Yee, Me, Pik Khei, Pui Mun (aka Pamela aka Pergi Pasar Malam XD)

Jeff and me...Ji mui forever!!! ;]

My bodyguards XD (left to right) Wai Hoe, Me, Hoe Keat, Shen Ee aka Yong Shui Lou, Yong Shen.

Yong Shen, Me, Huei Min...well, even though you two left early, thanks for coming!

Tien Yew, me. First time we took a picture together. Hopefully not the last time =]

LOL~ I love this picture so much! Shen Ee!!! XD (Pui Mun, Jeff, Shen Ee).

Pui Mun, Me, Chin Yee...Wow, it's been awhile since we last took a trisome picture together. BF Forever!!

The couple singing love song~!! Ahh~ so sweet XD

Chin Yee, Me, Fui Teng aka Fui Fui, Hui Xin, Pui Mun, Hoe Keat...Eating BBQ and steamboat at Che Go.

Dead tired~

I went to Sunway Lagoon with Pui Mun, Wai Hoe, Shen Ee and Khai Wei on January 9th. Yeah, I know I'm kinda late with the posts these days but...I didn't even want to move an inch of my aching body (from all the "exercise") after I've reached home last night!!! Not to mention the mosquito's bites and slight sun burn I got.

We started playing in the amusement and water parks at around 11 in the morning and we only left for dinner when we were literally being shoo-ed away by the security/life guards of the park. In other words, we'd been playing for 7 hours straight! No kidding! We only rested for less than 20 minutes just to have a quick lunch.

I really missed the water slides, the "snake head" water roller coaster, and last but not least, the WAVE POOL!!! Man, we were playing like nuts in the water park. We just couldn't bare to walk away from the water. I even lost count of how many times we'd played on the water slides. And the wave pool is priceless. I had fun trying to get myself being washed back on shore by the waves XD

Our arms and legs were sore and kinda painful from climbing all the stairs that lead to the rides and slides (because we're playing them repeatingly) and also from carrying the heavy big-fat-yellow floats (in order to play on the water slides). Most of the fun was in water park, amusement park has more rides for the young children than for young adults EXCEPT for the "180+ degree swinging pirate ship" (seriously, it's a direct translation from Chinese, I don't know what it's called in English) and the short but SUPER terrifying roller coaster.

Pui Mun and I thought it would be fun to go for the "dry" roller coaster before going to the "snake head" water roller coaster. We, of course, knew it would be a little scary ('cause we'd ridden on it 4 years ago) but we never thought it could be THAT scary. We remembered we weren't that terrified the last time we rode it! Maybe we're getting old and we can't take the thrill?? XD Pui Mun was horrified until she couldn't scream at all, and me, I was just screaming like I was going to die...literally. It's all because of the double fall/drop/or whatever you call it. When the roller coaster flew down I-don't-know-how-many-metres the first time, we were already screaming like hell. But before we could recover from the fall, it immediately flew down again!!! The second fall was even longer and more terrifying than the first! It was during the second fall that Pui Mun actually went numb and petrified. I was sitting next to her screaming like a psycho. The feeling of losing the gravity and sorta floating during the falls, I can't quite describe it in words. It's like my heart had stopped and left my body, and I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and I would die from the fear. We vowed to NEVER EVER ride on that thing again. Now I know how Chin Yee felt and why she was screaming at me hysterically (during the ride) when I dragged her to ride on it with me 4 years ago. LOL~

The water roller coaster was A LOT less scary, of course, as the main point of the ride is to get splashed by water XD We rode 3 times straight! It still has the classic roller coaster super-speed falls. It also has two falls like the roller coaster before but we weren't terrified until our legs were shaking when we got off (I'm not kidding here). We actually enjoyed getting wet and the adrenaline rush from the super-speed falls.

We went for dinner at Full House in Sunway Pyramid before we went home. Oh, how I love the restaurant! It's decorated in all-white 19th century furnitures and accessories (it still have the decorations from Christmas, so it gave the feeling of a white Christmas =D, which I like) with a boutique at the back and a gift shop in the front. Not to mention the food is kinda nice and special, too.

I really had a fun and thrilling day with my friends. That's exactly what I want before I leave for Melbourne to further my studies. Love ya guys~ *muackzzz*

A surprising surprise

I remember I had a post back in October about a guy that I know since kindergarten and that I believe that I'll see him again someday. Well, that "again" was two days ago, January 4th. I really wanted to post about it on that day but I was too busy with settling the things for studying abroad.

What happened was Chin Yee and I went for lunch at Sushi Zanmai after watching Avatar. We had been there for almost an hour and a half and I only realised that HE was working there when we were about to leave. I was all shocked and my mind went blank. In my head, there were only OMGs. I was too nervous to even look him in the eyes!! He was the cashier and Chin Yee was paying, and me??? I just stood in front of him but turned side way facing Chin Yee instead. I couldn't even breathe at that moment!

It's been such a long time since the last time I had this kind of feeling and that it was so intense that I did stupid, clumsy things...Arghh~ I hate myself!