Bizarre dreams~

Okay, so a couple of days ago, I had this super weird dream. I dozed off on my bed when I was studying for a test. When I woke up, I didn't remember immediately what I dreamt. I didn't even remember I had dream!

But then, everything started coming back to me when I was having a shower in the morning. I could only remember a scene from the dream, but that was enough to blow me away.

I was kissing. Someone who I have absolutely NO IDEA who the hell he is. And on top of that, I could actually FEEL the kiss!!! I remember how it felt like when our lips touched!!

Why am I so shocked, you may ask. Well, frankly...I'VE NEVER KISSED BEFORE! So how the hell could the kiss be so real if I've never experienced a kiss before??

The first reaction I had when I remembered the feeling was...YUCK! It's just...EWWWW~ Maybe it's because he's someone I don't know. But...seriously...HUH?? What the hell was that?

I looked for the so-called "dream dictionary" online, and it said that dreaming of a kiss with a stranger represents I need to accept some yet-to-be-known aspects of myself, or something like that. LOL~ Like it makes any sense at all. =.=

Now that I mentioned this, I remember having a weird dream, an even more bizarre dream than this one, during high school. In that dream, I lived in the Ancient China. I was a noble or a concubine or some rich young lady. I was standing in a small pavilion on top of a waterfall with another girl. We were arguing about something and then, without warning, she stabbed me in the back with a knife. I can still remember how it felt like. I can still remember the feel of a cold blade stabbed into my back.

And after I was stabbed, I remembered I was trying to save myself by running away from her. And the first thing I could think of was to jump off the pavilion and into the water down below. The waterfall was so huge, and the pavilion was so high up on the waterfall, I couldn't even see the bottom. But still I jumped without hesitation. I still remember the feeling of endless falling. And that was when I woke up. I was so scared because I thought I was still in the dream. I even checked my back to see if there's really a knife there. But then I finally realised I was in reality again, but my heart was still thumping hard against my chest.

I laughed to myself for being fooled by a dream. Well, a nightmare to be exact. I still have goosebumps whenever I think about it. What's more surprising is that I can remember the dream's every detail even till this day. Perhaps it was too terrifying.

These are the only dreams that I could actually FEEL something. I usually couldn't even remember my dreams after I wake up.

Artwork update ^^

Title: Saitou Hajime (shaded)

This one was completed quite some time ago. I haven't finish the "Four Princes of Hell", though. I still have a little bit of shading left.

Oh, in case it looks like some alien thing to you, the mark on his face is actually, well, blood. I know. It doesn't look like blood ><

Title: Chronic Misery

Yes, I like emo stuff. Gothic, sad, sorrow, etc. Can't help it. XD I didn't really intend to draw this nicely at first, though. I was only doodling out of boredom, sketching roughly. But then, it sort of turned out to be rather nice so I traced the sketch with pen and added some shading.

Title: ...Do I even need to tell you? LOL!

This is Aizen (in case my rendition of him is really poor to the point of him being unrecognisable). The super badass from Bleach. And my all-time favourite villain. XD He's really evil, and if I'm a guy, I would dislike him. But, I'M A GIRL. And let's be honest, what girl wouldn't drool over his evil-badass-sexiness??? LOL

My jaw dropped literally when I saw his transformation from a geeky-looking nice guy, to a SUPER HOT villain. He's handsome in a way completely different from the bishounen in shoujos. He's handsome in a kind of...MANLY way. His combed hair (with a lock of his hair dangling handsomely on his forehead), his evil smirk, his intense eyes, his clothes...everything of him shouts SEXY! XD

Okay, enough with the fangirl blabber. ^^

(P.S.: I just couldn't get enough of him!! I think I'm in love. Definitely. XD)

Gloomy Friday

Today was immensely painful for me to live through the day. I guess I've been totally alone too long since my friends went back to Malaysia. Being alone means freedom, and it's nice. But sometimes, it's just plain scary. I'm scared of myself, sometimes, when I'm alone. Today was that kind of a day. Weird, bizarre thoughts just kept flowing into my mind, what-ifs and what not. Those thoughts ALWAYS evolve around love and romance and finding The One.

I started thinking about my first boyfriend (?), or perhaps the only one I would ever have in my loveless life. I started thinking about how I'm the only one among my friends who hasn't found someone worth loving and staying with. My first boyfriend doesn't really count as my boyfriend at all, if I think about it. We've never kissed or even been on a date (thank God for that, though. Not worth wasting my first kiss on a jerk). Yes, I've never kissed someone before, and I'm already 20 this year. But that's not the point. The main point is that I've never really fell in love with anyone! Crushes, yes, but they never get to last more than 3 months. Sometimes I found myself forcing myself to fall in love with someone, just to be in love and feel the love. Pitiful, really.

I know I'm still not mature and not capable of loving someone's inside and not outside. Well, I wanted a perfect man with both loveable inside and outside (duh! all girls want that kinda man). But I know perfectly well he's not EVER going to appear before me. Because he doesn't even EXIST. Even if he does exist, he would be absolutely out of his mind to like me at all, let alone falling in love with me. I'm not pretty. Not gonna say I'm ugly, because that would've been too demotivating for my fragile self-esteem. But I'll admit I'm not pretty in anyway. Or cute, for that matter.

Let's see...Flat, big nose; acne-prone skin; small, unattractive eyes; fat, round face; no cheekbones; short stature; no boobs; not skinny; no curves to my body at all; tomboyish and not elegant at all; doesn't like to be protected because that would make me feel useless and helpless...Now, who would ever want to date a girl like me? All men look at a woman's body first, then her face, THEN her personality. Personality always come in last. It's sort of like a bonus to a hot body and a beautiful face. I understand where they're coming from, though. It's not like I'll set my eyes on someone utterly unappealing, outrageously average, like me. I am, and will always be, the "oh-I'm-bored-let's-date-her-and-kill-some-time" girl. That's what happened to my first so-called love.

I can't help but be jealous and envy of those who love someone and have that someone love them back. Me? I'm shallow and picky with guys, and guys just aren't attracted to me. Yep. My future is bright.

But, to tell the truth, I think I might have lost faith in guys. As if I don't trust them anymore. I can be friends with them, not a problem at all. But lovers? I don't know. Maybe, just maybe (not too sure myself), that this distrust has a tiny-bit to do with my first love. I mean, I thought I was loved, but in the end, he was just toying with me to kill time. That really hurt, when he's the first one that ever make me feel the butterflies in my stomach, make me feel embarassed to even look at him when we first talked, make me flushed like a tomato, and make my heart thumping so loudly whenever I was with him. It hurt. But I didn't cry even once, because I know he's not worth it.

And perhaps it's this kind of perception of mine that made me so repulsive against Twilight. I mean, Edward and Bella loves each other to death. But that never happens in real life. Most mangas use that kind of romance, too, but some of them have other elements (actions, mysteries, adventures, etc) that can make me disregard that kind of ridiculous romance plot. Funny, though. Because the novels I'm working on all have this kind of unrealistic love. Perhaps deep inside, I want to believe it exists.

I hate this me. Thinks too much of unnecessary things. I want to go back to my usual I-could-careless-about-everything-including-love self. Keep dwelling on my imperfections and my miserable love life is gonna hit my self-esteem with a fatal blow. I'm already unconfident enough, I don't need to hate myself, now.

New drawings~

Title: Saitou Hajime (Shinsengumi)

I've just finished a late Edo period anime called "Hakuouki: Shinsengumi Kitan". Saitou Hajime is one of my favourites in the anime. He's my No.3, though. My No.1 favourite would be Okita Souji, and No.2 is Kazama Chikage. But why do I chose him to draw instead of the other two? It's largely due to his hair. He is the only one with long hair among the three. With his long hair, it would look so much more dramatic when he swings his katana, like what he's doing in the drawing. XDD I know. It's a ridiculous reason. LOL

No matter how much I wanna deny it, I suck at drawing action scenes. ><

Title: Four Crown Princes of Hell

They don't exactly look like devils, do they? LOL Well, the title is only an excuse for me to draw some bishounens, really. XDD

Read about them on some random Satanism websites. My favourite (I hope I'm not being offensive here) would be Lucifer, because he's the devil that appears the most times in the manga/anime world. Please keep in mind I'm not saying that (in real life) I like the Satan or something. No. There's nothing religion-related in that statement.

Anyway, the one sitting on the armchair is Satan; and then from left to right, Belial (b-lee-YAH-ahl), Leviathan (le-vai-athan) and Lucifer. The most difficult part to draw is the CHAIR!!! I was using a picture of a 19th century throne-like royal ornate armchair as the model, and the carvings on the chair are absolutely stunning!! And annoying at the same time XD This is my first try on furnitures. Let's just hope I have the will to draw another one again....LOL

These two are only the line arts. I'll be adding shadings soon. Don't intend to colour them, though. I want them to be in black-and-white.

Usque ad mortem

My bleeding heart,
belonged only to you,
and you alone,
my Prince...

I had known,
that I belonged to you,
and you to me,
the moment you let me see
into the mirror of your gentleness.

My love for you,
gave me the courage to follow you,
to Heaven and Hell;
My love for you,
gave me the power to Perish
in your hands.

You, who had loved me,
who were willing to put me
into my eternal crimson sleep,
and entrapped me in your lovely glass bed;
This time,
will you love me enough
to sleep in my crimson bed in place of me,
and set me free,
and let me escape my eternal darkness?

My bleeding heart,
belongs only to you,
and you alone,
my sleeping Prince.

Till death do us part...

This poem is inspired by a short OVA series by Aniplex, called Le Portrait de Petit Cossette, aka コゼットの肖像 (Kozetto no Shouzou).

It has a very fresh, interesting (and creepy/twisted) plot. Basically, a beautiful girl fell in love with an artist in the 18th century and ironically, she was killed by him, and her spirit is trapped in a glass. The glass, after 3 centuries, is now kept in an antique store, where a college boy works as a part-timer. The boy is the only one who can see the girl trapped in the glass and he eventually fell in love with her. Twisted as it is, the boy is actually the reincarnation of the artist who murdered the girl. And to make it even more twisted, the only way for the girl to escape from the glass is to have a man who would love her enough to atone for the sins the artist had committed upon her (in short, murdering her). The boy, of course, is willing to do so for her. I haven't watched the last episode yet, so I'm not sure if he did sacrificed himself for her freedom in the end.

After reading the summary, I guess you (anyone who is reading this) would be able to (more or less) make out the meaning of the poem. I've also added some elements from Kaori Yuki's mangas and JJ Lin's song --- the Killa. So, 1) No, the "glass bed" in the poem is not the glass the girl is trapped in; 2) No, the artist back in 18th century did not love the girl (I think XD).

The title of this post is the title of this poem --- Usque ad mortem. "Till death..." in Latin, literally. Figuratively, it means "Till death do us part". I used Latin because Latin is often used as the language of the dead in stories and stuff, and it sounded cool?? LOL

I had fun writing this one, because it depicted such a twisted love (I mean, the girl still loves the artist, but also hates him enough to want to bring his reincarnation to death; and the "prince" in the poem had loved the girl enough to bring her to her "eternal sleep" and encased her in her "glass bed"). Nyahahaha~ I am so twisted XD