Gloomy Friday

Today was immensely painful for me to live through the day. I guess I've been totally alone too long since my friends went back to Malaysia. Being alone means freedom, and it's nice. But sometimes, it's just plain scary. I'm scared of myself, sometimes, when I'm alone. Today was that kind of a day. Weird, bizarre thoughts just kept flowing into my mind, what-ifs and what not. Those thoughts ALWAYS evolve around love and romance and finding The One.

I started thinking about my first boyfriend (?), or perhaps the only one I would ever have in my loveless life. I started thinking about how I'm the only one among my friends who hasn't found someone worth loving and staying with. My first boyfriend doesn't really count as my boyfriend at all, if I think about it. We've never kissed or even been on a date (thank God for that, though. Not worth wasting my first kiss on a jerk). Yes, I've never kissed someone before, and I'm already 20 this year. But that's not the point. The main point is that I've never really fell in love with anyone! Crushes, yes, but they never get to last more than 3 months. Sometimes I found myself forcing myself to fall in love with someone, just to be in love and feel the love. Pitiful, really.

I know I'm still not mature and not capable of loving someone's inside and not outside. Well, I wanted a perfect man with both loveable inside and outside (duh! all girls want that kinda man). But I know perfectly well he's not EVER going to appear before me. Because he doesn't even EXIST. Even if he does exist, he would be absolutely out of his mind to like me at all, let alone falling in love with me. I'm not pretty. Not gonna say I'm ugly, because that would've been too demotivating for my fragile self-esteem. But I'll admit I'm not pretty in anyway. Or cute, for that matter.

Let's see...Flat, big nose; acne-prone skin; small, unattractive eyes; fat, round face; no cheekbones; short stature; no boobs; not skinny; no curves to my body at all; tomboyish and not elegant at all; doesn't like to be protected because that would make me feel useless and helpless...Now, who would ever want to date a girl like me? All men look at a woman's body first, then her face, THEN her personality. Personality always come in last. It's sort of like a bonus to a hot body and a beautiful face. I understand where they're coming from, though. It's not like I'll set my eyes on someone utterly unappealing, outrageously average, like me. I am, and will always be, the "oh-I'm-bored-let's-date-her-and-kill-some-time" girl. That's what happened to my first so-called love.

I can't help but be jealous and envy of those who love someone and have that someone love them back. Me? I'm shallow and picky with guys, and guys just aren't attracted to me. Yep. My future is bright.

But, to tell the truth, I think I might have lost faith in guys. As if I don't trust them anymore. I can be friends with them, not a problem at all. But lovers? I don't know. Maybe, just maybe (not too sure myself), that this distrust has a tiny-bit to do with my first love. I mean, I thought I was loved, but in the end, he was just toying with me to kill time. That really hurt, when he's the first one that ever make me feel the butterflies in my stomach, make me feel embarassed to even look at him when we first talked, make me flushed like a tomato, and make my heart thumping so loudly whenever I was with him. It hurt. But I didn't cry even once, because I know he's not worth it.

And perhaps it's this kind of perception of mine that made me so repulsive against Twilight. I mean, Edward and Bella loves each other to death. But that never happens in real life. Most mangas use that kind of romance, too, but some of them have other elements (actions, mysteries, adventures, etc) that can make me disregard that kind of ridiculous romance plot. Funny, though. Because the novels I'm working on all have this kind of unrealistic love. Perhaps deep inside, I want to believe it exists.

I hate this me. Thinks too much of unnecessary things. I want to go back to my usual I-could-careless-about-everything-including-love self. Keep dwelling on my imperfections and my miserable love life is gonna hit my self-esteem with a fatal blow. I'm already unconfident enough, I don't need to hate myself, now.

New drawings~

Title: Saitou Hajime (Shinsengumi)

I've just finished a late Edo period anime called "Hakuouki: Shinsengumi Kitan". Saitou Hajime is one of my favourites in the anime. He's my No.3, though. My No.1 favourite would be Okita Souji, and No.2 is Kazama Chikage. But why do I chose him to draw instead of the other two? It's largely due to his hair. He is the only one with long hair among the three. With his long hair, it would look so much more dramatic when he swings his katana, like what he's doing in the drawing. XDD I know. It's a ridiculous reason. LOL

No matter how much I wanna deny it, I suck at drawing action scenes. ><

Title: Four Crown Princes of Hell

They don't exactly look like devils, do they? LOL Well, the title is only an excuse for me to draw some bishounens, really. XDD

Read about them on some random Satanism websites. My favourite (I hope I'm not being offensive here) would be Lucifer, because he's the devil that appears the most times in the manga/anime world. Please keep in mind I'm not saying that (in real life) I like the Satan or something. No. There's nothing religion-related in that statement.

Anyway, the one sitting on the armchair is Satan; and then from left to right, Belial (b-lee-YAH-ahl), Leviathan (le-vai-athan) and Lucifer. The most difficult part to draw is the CHAIR!!! I was using a picture of a 19th century throne-like royal ornate armchair as the model, and the carvings on the chair are absolutely stunning!! And annoying at the same time XD This is my first try on furnitures. Let's just hope I have the will to draw another one again....LOL

These two are only the line arts. I'll be adding shadings soon. Don't intend to colour them, though. I want them to be in black-and-white.

Usque ad mortem

My bleeding heart,
belonged only to you,
and you alone,
my Prince...

I had known,
that I belonged to you,
and you to me,
the moment you let me see
into the mirror of your gentleness.

My love for you,
gave me the courage to follow you,
to Heaven and Hell;
My love for you,
gave me the power to Perish
in your hands.

You, who had loved me,
who were willing to put me
into my eternal crimson sleep,
and entrapped me in your lovely glass bed;
This time,
will you love me enough
to sleep in my crimson bed in place of me,
and set me free,
and let me escape my eternal darkness?

My bleeding heart,
belongs only to you,
and you alone,
my sleeping Prince.

Till death do us part...

This poem is inspired by a short OVA series by Aniplex, called Le Portrait de Petit Cossette, aka コゼットの肖像 (Kozetto no Shouzou).

It has a very fresh, interesting (and creepy/twisted) plot. Basically, a beautiful girl fell in love with an artist in the 18th century and ironically, she was killed by him, and her spirit is trapped in a glass. The glass, after 3 centuries, is now kept in an antique store, where a college boy works as a part-timer. The boy is the only one who can see the girl trapped in the glass and he eventually fell in love with her. Twisted as it is, the boy is actually the reincarnation of the artist who murdered the girl. And to make it even more twisted, the only way for the girl to escape from the glass is to have a man who would love her enough to atone for the sins the artist had committed upon her (in short, murdering her). The boy, of course, is willing to do so for her. I haven't watched the last episode yet, so I'm not sure if he did sacrificed himself for her freedom in the end.

After reading the summary, I guess you (anyone who is reading this) would be able to (more or less) make out the meaning of the poem. I've also added some elements from Kaori Yuki's mangas and JJ Lin's song --- the Killa. So, 1) No, the "glass bed" in the poem is not the glass the girl is trapped in; 2) No, the artist back in 18th century did not love the girl (I think XD).

The title of this post is the title of this poem --- Usque ad mortem. "Till death..." in Latin, literally. Figuratively, it means "Till death do us part". I used Latin because Latin is often used as the language of the dead in stories and stuff, and it sounded cool?? LOL

I had fun writing this one, because it depicted such a twisted love (I mean, the girl still loves the artist, but also hates him enough to want to bring his reincarnation to death; and the "prince" in the poem had loved the girl enough to bring her to her "eternal sleep" and encased her in her "glass bed"). Nyahahaha~ I am so twisted XD

Death...

Death,
has the eyes of the deepest darkness,
the hair of the silkiest silver,
the skin of the whitest snow,
in a dress of the most somber black;

But it shan't be fear'd,
or be an object of hatred,
For Death, is never the Evil;
It is a Beauty, a gift
from the Lord...

What is Heaven,
when there isn't Hell;
What is Life,
when there isn't Death?

This is a poem I wrote quite some time ago, for a drawing of a Gothic girl. I posted it on this blog before, but for the sake of this post, I'll post it again. So here it is~

Basically, the girl represents Death. The first stanza is the description of the girl in this drawing.

It's not some super great poem like the ones written by Edgar Allan Poe. I'm no where near his level, and I'll never be. But it's my first attempt to write a poem since the last time I wrote for a high school assignment.

Hope it doesn't sound too cheesy XD

Twisted~

An idea descended upon me last night when I was lying on my bed, eyes half closing and was about to fall asleep. It suddenly came to me in a flash.

I have this superb urge to start a story based on this idea. But when I think about it, I still have 4 novels on hand, unfinished!! (><)

Okay, now you might be thinking "Stop the blabbering. So what the hell was on your mind?!!!"

Well, it's simple --- the victim falls in love with the perpetrator. To be more specific, what if a girl is to be stalked by a disturbed man, haunting her in every imaginable creepy way, but in the end, she falls in love with the man who loves her more than anything else, the man who is none other than the stalker himself??

I've always have a thing for forbidden love or twisted love. The more twisted it is, the better. Something like the relationship between the Phantom and Christine in the Phantom of the Opera film (the relationship is a little different in the novel); or something like "you fall in love with a beautiful, perfect Prince Charming, and even though he's twisted/bitter/psycho and you're afraid of him, you still couldn't help but love him". Perhaps such fetish is a reflection of the part of me (unbeknownst to others) that is so very much in love with Gothic arts --- architecture, arts, novels, poems, songs, fashion, etc.

Gerard Butler as the Phantom; Emmy Rossum as Christine Daae

I couldn't recall any stalker-related stories that ends with the stalked victim falling in love with the stalker. Well, not that I know. I'll admit that I don't really read much.

That night, when the idea came to me, I was happy but at the same time, frustrated. I'm not a good writer and I always have the habit to not finish what I've started. But new ideas just wouldn't stop coming to me!! Every now and then I'll get this new idea, and when I was about to start doing something about it, I often found myself losing the desire to complete it. I really want to finish an idea for once!! I've decided to at least finish my favourite work out of the 4 novels that I'm working on --- Blood Moon. I really like the story.

The other three novels...well, I wanted to finish them, too, but I know I couldn't. I wouldn't have the time. I know I'm being too greedy to work on so many stories all at once. I've been thinking of abandoning one of the two Chinese stories in the four because the more I think about it, the more I'm dissatisfied with the plot and the characters development.

The other Chinese story, though, I really love the plot, too, just that I NEVER read story books in Chinese, so I don't have many words in my vocab vault (and I've already forgotten most of the Chinese vocabs I learned during high school). Therefore, I'm thinking of converting it into a manga, since 1) I've always wanted to start my own manga; 2) the story fits for a manga; 3) I've designed the characters and their weapons and clothes and all that, so...why not?

Anyhow, that's all for this post. I really just wanted to tell somebody about this crazy, sick, twisted idea of a romance. (Well, who in the right mind would fall in love with a psychotic man who's been stalking you?) Ciao~