Death...

Death,
has the eyes of the deepest darkness,
the hair of the silkiest silver,
the skin of the whitest snow,
in a dress of the most somber black;

But it shan't be fear'd,
or be an object of hatred,
For Death, is never the Evil;
It is a Beauty, a gift
from the Lord...

What is Heaven,
when there isn't Hell;
What is Life,
when there isn't Death?

This is a poem I wrote quite some time ago, for a drawing of a Gothic girl. I posted it on this blog before, but for the sake of this post, I'll post it again. So here it is~

Basically, the girl represents Death. The first stanza is the description of the girl in this drawing.

It's not some super great poem like the ones written by Edgar Allan Poe. I'm no where near his level, and I'll never be. But it's my first attempt to write a poem since the last time I wrote for a high school assignment.

Hope it doesn't sound too cheesy XD

Twisted~

An idea descended upon me last night when I was lying on my bed, eyes half closing and was about to fall asleep. It suddenly came to me in a flash.

I have this superb urge to start a story based on this idea. But when I think about it, I still have 4 novels on hand, unfinished!! (><)

Okay, now you might be thinking "Stop the blabbering. So what the hell was on your mind?!!!"

Well, it's simple --- the victim falls in love with the perpetrator. To be more specific, what if a girl is to be stalked by a disturbed man, haunting her in every imaginable creepy way, but in the end, she falls in love with the man who loves her more than anything else, the man who is none other than the stalker himself??

I've always have a thing for forbidden love or twisted love. The more twisted it is, the better. Something like the relationship between the Phantom and Christine in the Phantom of the Opera film (the relationship is a little different in the novel); or something like "you fall in love with a beautiful, perfect Prince Charming, and even though he's twisted/bitter/psycho and you're afraid of him, you still couldn't help but love him". Perhaps such fetish is a reflection of the part of me (unbeknownst to others) that is so very much in love with Gothic arts --- architecture, arts, novels, poems, songs, fashion, etc.

Gerard Butler as the Phantom; Emmy Rossum as Christine Daae

I couldn't recall any stalker-related stories that ends with the stalked victim falling in love with the stalker. Well, not that I know. I'll admit that I don't really read much.

That night, when the idea came to me, I was happy but at the same time, frustrated. I'm not a good writer and I always have the habit to not finish what I've started. But new ideas just wouldn't stop coming to me!! Every now and then I'll get this new idea, and when I was about to start doing something about it, I often found myself losing the desire to complete it. I really want to finish an idea for once!! I've decided to at least finish my favourite work out of the 4 novels that I'm working on --- Blood Moon. I really like the story.

The other three novels...well, I wanted to finish them, too, but I know I couldn't. I wouldn't have the time. I know I'm being too greedy to work on so many stories all at once. I've been thinking of abandoning one of the two Chinese stories in the four because the more I think about it, the more I'm dissatisfied with the plot and the characters development.

The other Chinese story, though, I really love the plot, too, just that I NEVER read story books in Chinese, so I don't have many words in my vocab vault (and I've already forgotten most of the Chinese vocabs I learned during high school). Therefore, I'm thinking of converting it into a manga, since 1) I've always wanted to start my own manga; 2) the story fits for a manga; 3) I've designed the characters and their weapons and clothes and all that, so...why not?

Anyhow, that's all for this post. I really just wanted to tell somebody about this crazy, sick, twisted idea of a romance. (Well, who in the right mind would fall in love with a psychotic man who's been stalking you?) Ciao~

Lump-sum update

Oookayyy~ I haven't been posting much nowadays. I'm just not that kind of person that would update blogs regularly. すみません～

I'm having exams starting this Thursday so I won't be drawing/blogging/writing for awhile. TT.TT

Anyways, I'm gonna post up my recent work. So, have a look and tell me what you think ^^

I haven't been designing clothes in such a long time!! Well, I haven't been designing normal-daily-life clothes to be exact. The characters I drew were always wearing fantastical clothing. Not so much as fashion designing. In the fashion world, those fantastical clothing I drew are considered costumy. And I don't want that. I have to think like a fashion designer while I'm designing, not floating off to my manga fantasy. Well, I can still add some fastastical elements in my designing as my personal touch. After all, you have to be different and unique to stand out in the fashion industry. =]

By the way, these clothes are based off 17th century's men and women's fashion.

Right, so after all my blabbering, here's the coloured version. I love how the military jackets turned out!! The navy sleeveless jacket is based on 17th century military men's jacket, while the red jacket is based on 17th century women's riding habit (as some of you may know, the riding habit is also based on men's military/everyday clothing at that time).

And the creamy-blue lace dress, well...I wanted it to be 17th-centurish but I thought it looks like some Roman goddess dress 0.o And the girl has golden blond hair, which makes it even more so~ Her shoes, however, I like it XD It's also based on 17th/18th century women's shoes. Back then, women loved their shoes to be decorated with jewelries, flowery patterns, etc (IMO). Sometimes their shoes looked more like some treasure from a hidden treasure chest instead of walking shoes! To put it simply, they chose fashion over comfort, as are the girls in 21th century. (Looking at their shoes, I wonder how they even managed to walk!)

In this picture, I added some flowery effects on it with photoshop. I don't know why but as days gone by, I like to stuff up my drawings with lots of small details/effects/etc more and more! And I like to draw my characters in a kind of gothic way. I guess I am pretty much influenced by CLAMP (small details) and Yuki Kaori (gothic drawing style).

Understood what I mean now? LOL The characters just somehow emits the gothic aura. And realise how I've never drawn those typical shoujo cutesy/crybaby/innocent girls before? One of the reason is, of course, Yuki Kaori (her girls always have this "cool" feeling about them), the other reason is that I seriously hate that kind of girls. Too whimpy and useless. I cannot take people like that even in real life. So I'm very much put off by people like that. TOO dependent and clingy. Always waiting for their prince/knight in shining armor to save them. Too much of a damsel in distress. (No offense. If I'm being to rude/harsh, I'm really sorry. It's just who I am.)

I coloured the drawing with colour pencils. I'm not good with digital colouring AND water colour, so...Hehe~

This picture is just my random sketches. Well, not entirely random. I'm planning on starting a new novel/manga/haven't-decided-yet so I drew some characters. But the thing is, I don't know which one to choose as the main character!! So if any of you are reading this, can you help me choose a guy and a girl from the selections? I would really appreciate it if you let me know about your opinion.

Anyway, my personal favourite guy is the guy with slightly combed short hair (the first guy on the right, without the ponytail). And although I like the girl with long curly hair in the center, I actually wanted to have my female lead a strong/mature, soft but sort of kick ass appearance. Like the one on the left with wavy shoulder-length hair. LOL I'm too specific, ain't I? Well, it's because I wanted to set my characters in university-age (I don't wanna do another teenage storyline ><).

So, that's about it. See ya guys after my finals! *Peace*

I don't know anymore...

It's not the first time I felt this way --- being left out of everyone's life, aren't able to get close to new friends, nobody just give a damn about me. I might have read too much into things, I admit doing that sometimes, but this feeling has been inside me for a long time and I'm about to reach my limit. People would think that not telling details or moments about their lives to others is fine, but I'm the kind of person that likes to be part of someone's life. I want to have friends that would share their experience with me --- sadness, happiness or the secret crush they have on someone. I understand people want to keep some things private (I understand that perfectly well). But I'm always the last to know things, even about my family and friends. It makes me feel like I don't belong in their lives. And to make things worse, I get the feeling that my old friends are drifting away from me. I know I'm about to lose some of them already. I can see the signs. I hated myself for being so clingy to my friends because in the end, I'm the one who's gonna be left alone.

And what I'm doing now with my future doesn't make me feel any better. I thought I could continue in fulfilling my parents expectation of me becoming an accountant without any hesitation. But recently, I'm not so sure anymore. I hate accounting more and more everyday. In fact, I don't like studying at all. I'm not saying it as in an elemantary school kid saying she doesn't want to go to school because she doesn't like mathematics or whatever; I'm saying this because I know I'm not of bookworm-quality. I don't like having to do things that I don't like and I have to be good at it and force myself to like it. Everyday, I would dream of dropping out of my course now and go to a fashion design or art school, where I can fulfill MY dreams. This desire become harder to suppress day after day. But when ever I tell the people around me about it, they'll unanimously tell me "Don't think too much. Just stick to whatever that's safe. Fashion design is not useful at all." IT'S MY LIFE!! SO WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I TAKE CONTROL OVER IT???

I hate being kept in a cage! Yes, I know there's a possibility that I won't survive in the fashion industry, with so many talented designers out there; but if I don't even try to go for my dreams, I'll regret about it my whole life!

At this exact moment, I really just want to pack up and leave everything behind, and start over. I always tell my friends that I really want to try backpacking around Europe. They may think I was only saying that because I like Europe or that I like to travel; NO. I'm being serious. I wanna get away from everything. I wanna be free from confinement and be a nomad, and hopefully find my place. I'm sick of being a nobody to everyone.

Life after leaving behind my dear friends...

After arriving in Melbourne, I had to help my sister to move things to her new place, which is only a few blocks away from the old place. My parents and I were staying at the new place for the last week while my sister and her fiance stayed at the old place until last saturday.

We went to china town on the first day of Chinese New Year. This would be the second time I celebrated CNY in Melbourne, away from my friends. There were more than six shops having lion dances in front of their shop. Everyone stopped to watch and take pictures, and actually caused traffic jams! The people flooded the entire china town and the streets near it until trams had to stop halfway because some people (mostly people from China) crossed the streets without bothering about the vehicles AT ALL! And the firecrackers...Man! We had to shout to each other when we talked. Imagine all the shops with chinese owners burned firecrackers at the same time. I could hear them 3 blocks away! After all the amazement and hassle, the streets were full of residues from the firecrackers...small strips of red paper and the smell of sulphur filled up the streets. But...even though I missed my friends and disappointed for not being able to hang out with them, it made it all worth while. It wasn't a bad CNY for me.

We went to a temple around our place afterwards. GODSSS!! I was practically scratching out my hair when I saw the temple/joss house. It was a 300-year-old mansion!!!!!!! And it was a beautiful mansion to top it off. It looked like the mansion in Walt Disney's Haunted Mansion, with the high iron gate and fences, tainted glass windows, spiral staircase and fireplaces. It was built exactly in 1800. Gah! What a waste! They even used the fireplace to burn those chinese papers (I don't know what the hell they are called. Chinese normally burned those papers in temples after putting on the josses and red candles).

And then, on 21 Feb, I went on a trip with my family and my sister's fiance to an 1870s mansion. It was absolutely beautiful! The only setback was it wasn't big enough (for me, that is) and I wasn't able stay in the mansion for a night...T.T I heard the land used to be 13,000 acres! But it was being cut down to over 1000 acres. Took lots of pictures of the building and the decorations, especially the carvings, windows and chandeliers. The chandeliers were gorgeous and the carvings in the whole mansion are pure gold! Jesus...

On 22 Feb, that was the first day of the orientation. The programs were boring but I met really interesting friends! That made my day...I met a postgraduate student from China, 2 first year students from China (too), an American girl who plays the flute (OMG! I absolutely admire her! I've always admire people who can play the flute. It gives out a really beautiful and elegant melody. If I have the time after learning both the violin and piano, I might consider learning it XD), and 2 first year students from Japan! I was so damn happy to get to meet Japanese! They're Yoshida Maki and Komoto Ryota (I think that's his name. Maki is a really cute girl! And Ryota looks like the chinese movie star "Chen Kun" -- handsome! XD Well he's not the only guy that I thought is handsome. There was also a guy I met during enrolment, with sunny blond hair and dreamy blue eyes. Huhhh~ He's like a prince charming walking straight out from a fairytale XD)

And for 23 Feb (that's today), I met a 2nd year student during my course briefing. Not really sure where he came from. All I know is that he's a chinese that only speak english and can't speak chinese at all and he's not from Malaysia, which I find it strange since he's english is kinda *ahem*. LOL~ He's really nice and friendly, though. And then I went for a library briefing which surprised me with the activities they had for us. We had a mini amazing race in the library! I was in a team with 3 Indonesian postgraduates and another chinese girl. And guess what...I was the team leader (unwillingly). We actually won the 1st prize and got ourselves a Monash thumbdrive, a Monash pen and *loud dramatic music* a small box of Guylian chocolate each!!!! It was the best library briefing I'd ever gone to (and I was dead tired afterwards).

Before I went home, I walked around the lemon scented lawn (yes, the lawn really smells like thousands of lemons) where the O-week carnival is, and signed up for the clubs. I signed up for the Malaysian union (duh~), Anime club (again, duh~ people who are close to me should expect that XD), Japanese club and the CHOIR!!!! I get to sing!! Oh, I've also signed up for a show choir (from another music club. Clayton has more than 4 clubs for music), something like the TV show "Glee". It isn't confirm yet as the club is waiting for as many people as possible to sign up in order to REALLY have the show choir. I actually planned to join the Kendo club, too. But the monthly fees is AUD50 and I have to buy the bamboo sword which cost another AUD35. What's more, they practice from 6-8pm. That's too late for me. If I go for the practice, I can only be home on 9 something. Will be dead tired and I still have classes the next day! And the money I have spend...I thought it's better for me to save the money and pay for my violin lessons instead (if I can get a teacher at all). I like kendo, but I think it will have to wait until I graduate (when I get a job and can pay for the fees with my own money).

Tonight, I would most probably have an amazing night. We are going to play mahjong!!!! Haha...I'm super excited and looking forward to it. =]