It's not the first time I felt this way --- being left out of everyone's life, aren't able to get close to new friends, nobody just give a damn about me. I might have read too much into things, I admit doing that sometimes, but this feeling has been inside me for a long time and I'm about to reach my limit. People would think that not telling details or moments about their lives to others is fine, but I'm the kind of person that likes to be part of someone's life. I want to have friends that would share their experience with me --- sadness, happiness or the secret crush they have on someone. I understand people want to keep some things private (I understand that perfectly well). But I'm always the last to know things, even about my family and friends. It makes me feel like I don't belong in their lives. And to make things worse, I get the feeling that my old friends are drifting away from me. I know I'm about to lose some of them already. I can see the signs. I hated myself for being so clingy to my friends because in the end, I'm the one who's gonna be left alone.
And what I'm doing now with my future doesn't make me feel any better. I thought I could continue in fulfilling my parents expectation of me becoming an accountant without any hesitation. But recently, I'm not so sure anymore. I hate accounting more and more everyday. In fact, I don't like studying at all. I'm not saying it as in an elemantary school kid saying she doesn't want to go to school because she doesn't like mathematics or whatever; I'm saying this because I know I'm not of bookworm-quality. I don't like having to do things that I don't like and I have to be good at it and force myself to like it. Everyday, I would dream of dropping out of my course now and go to a fashion design or art school, where I can fulfill MY dreams. This desire become harder to suppress day after day. But when ever I tell the people around me about it, they'll unanimously tell me "Don't think too much. Just stick to whatever that's safe. Fashion design is not useful at all." IT'S MY LIFE!! SO WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I TAKE CONTROL OVER IT???
I hate being kept in a cage! Yes, I know there's a possibility that I won't survive in the fashion industry, with so many talented designers out there; but if I don't even try to go for my dreams, I'll regret about it my whole life!
At this exact moment, I really just want to pack up and leave everything behind, and start over. I always tell my friends that I really want to try backpacking around Europe. They may think I was only saying that because I like Europe or that I like to travel; NO. I'm being serious. I wanna get away from everything. I wanna be free from confinement and be a nomad, and hopefully find my place. I'm sick of being a nobody to everyone.
